Last week it was my birthday. I had no special plans. I thought I was beyond needing to have a special birthday. After all, I thought, “I’m too old to care.” I’m not three, like my daughter, who co-opts any birthday she can within arms’ reach of a set of candles to blow out. When asked how I’d be spending the day, I said, “It’s just another day. Jon and I have date night in the evening.” We were going to a fancier restaurant than we normally fare at. I was moved by my friend who agreed to babysit Maxine that night. I thought I had covered the specialness, enough.

It turns out I fell short of my enough line (see Finding My Enough Line Gina’s February 1, 2010 post). So short, my subconscious sabotaged even the sweetest of routines, the Fridays I spend each week with Maxine. Seeking for something special in spite of my declarations otherwise, I went off path and tried something else, fumbling the ease I “only wanted” on my birthday. I didn’t want to be making decisions, dealing with situations I was unfamiliar with on my birthday. The expectation for ease kept showing up: “Maz, I just want this to be easy. Can’t you be easy today?” But I didn’t know it until I was saying it. I didn’t’ ask for ease, didn’t plan for it, didn’t get childcare … because we all know, expecting ease while hanging out with a three year old, is well, naïve at best. Though Maxine and I have plenty of ease, it comes with grace, with flow, with presence and surrender. With my wires crossed, my center somewhere left of my body, I was in a whirlwind of scarcity. No ease there.

Being in this conversation of sufficiency is a learn-and-adapt kind of thing. I’ve learned that scarcity begets more scarcity, and for me, spirals down to only one destination: The Pity Party. And, I throw great ones. Perhaps I’m not the only one?

The way out of scarcity’s spiraling down effect has meant a lot of experimentation, one of the core principals of sufficiency. As I reflect on what I discovered about myself over my Birthday Pity Party here’s what I learned:
•    I am not the only person on earth who feels confused, challenged and ambivalent about her birthday. And I’m not bad because I don’t have it all figured out.
•    Until I am a fully awakened being, I do need something on my birthday, something special, though what that is will change year over year, so I will be called to be present to myself each year to discover what is being called for.
•    I have expectations even when I don’t think I do. Even the subtle voices are important and when they are ignored they will find ways to be heard, and this often causes trouble, especially if the Scarcity Spiral has already commenced.
•    Telling the truth does set me free, or at least starts to tame the raging of the Pity Party. I need to call a trusted advisor, get validated and supported.
•    Going into nature is one way, an effective and relatively quick way, to recalibrate my body and energy.
•    Surrendering to what is about the moment – say, being with my daughter – is the way into what I want, ease, flow, grace.

The day after my birthday, I woke up and declared that I would reclaim my birthday. Set to spend the morning with Maxine, we had a slow and easy start. I said Yes many more times than I said No to her. We went to the woods and hung out on a swing, hiked up the hill, ate snacks and sat in the sun. Napped and read on my bed in the sun. Did some yoga. Friends for dinner that night. I followed the direction of ease, and that, whether it is my birthday or not, is the direction into sufficiency.