I am ashamed of myself. I feel as if I am five years old. I have let scarcity rule.

I am part of a pack of moms that leave music class and head to a local coffee-muffin joint with the kids. Many of us have known each other for years, some less, but there is a closeness, a relief to be together, so that even if one of us can only hang for a half hour before an appointment, we still manage to make it over for a quick tea and hello.

Last Friday another mom joined us with her two children and I treated her like an intruder. It was subtle, but when I left the group I felt pretty awful about myself. Later I described what I had done – or in this case, what I hadn’t – and my friend said: “If we want to be leaders, we have to make eye contact with every one in a group whether we want to or not.”

Ouch. Way to cut through my whining story about not enough time, not enough energy, not enough desire … I don’t want to make a new friend. I can barely nurture the friendships I already have. I don’t want a new person in our group. Add the tone of a young child, and you’ve captured the essence of my actions.

I know my friend is right, simply by tuning into my body. I did not feel peaceful when I parted this group last Friday. I felt dis-ease. The hang-over after resisting what is. In my commitment to live in a context of sufficiency, I failed. I failed to include, to respect, to nurture what was in front of me. I was being stingy. I was unwilling. I was completely dominated by an either/or mentality.

It would be easy to assess my actions in a good/bad paradigm. To simply say I did not love my neighbor, that I was not kind. That I was less than. Inside of the sufficiency context, I can learn and adapt. I can trust my body-mind reading, trust my friend’s wisdom and reflection, and I can tell the truth to myself. That I did not follow through in my declaration of inclusivity. A world of communities breaks down in the moment that I do not welcome a stranger into the fold I have so neatly nurtured. And, what else, really, has been the purpose of such a group if not to expand and give away the care we generated?